[Featured Post] Marriage is Not a Convenience Store

This featured post comes from Dr. Kelly Flanagan's blog Untangled.  Enjoy.

What do an all-inclusive resort, a mobile device, a phone company, and marriage all have in common? We have come to expect the same thing from all of them: one-stop, all-in-one convenience. 

Photo Credit: TheFutureIsUnwritten via Compfight cc

Last August, my wife and I attended a conference in Honolulu. The hotel had three restaurants, two bars, six gift shops, a convenience store, a business center, two pools, and beach access. You could fly to Hawaii and have a perfect vacation, without ever leaving your hotel.

All-inclusive convenience.

As consumers, we have come to expect this.

An iPhone is a one-stop shop in our pockets: phone, email, text, iPod, maps, news, personal calendar, family calendar, eBook reader(s), weather forecasts, Netflix and YouTube, and the list goes on and on.

All-in-one convenience.

As consumers, we have been trained to feel entitled to this.

In Chicago, AT&T bundles home phone, mobile phone, internet, and cable service. They recently added home security. I wonder when they’ll add babysitting to the bundle. I bet they’re beta testing it right now.

As consumers, we’ve been sold a lucrative lie called convenience, and it has infiltrated every aspect of our lives.

Including marriage.

Why Marriage is Ripping

In the last several decades, we have come to expect our marriages to serve an endless list of functions for us. We want our marriages to be the place we find romance and friendship and community and entertainment and security and self-esteem and direction and purpose and meaning.

Marriage has become life’s ultimate convenience store—an existential one-stop shop expected to meet all of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.

I think the biggest threat to marriage is this idealized, consumer-oriented, convenience store mentality we now bring to our wedding day.

Because when we act like we’re marrying a Walgreen’s instead of a person, marriage becomes an end unto itself. It becomes our one focus, our one purpose, and our one source of satisfaction. Our lives shrink as the expectations of our partner expand.

Many of us have put all our existential eggs in the marriage basket. And the basket is ripping beneath the strain of it. So then we compound the problem by spending all of our time trying to stitch the marriage back together, hoping it will hold all of our hopes and expectations again.

Maybe, instead, we need to spend some of our time finding other baskets.

Marriage is Not an All-Inclusive Hotel

I suppose it sounds like I’m recommending infidelity or lukewarm love or questionable commitment, but I’m not. I’m suggesting we will become more loving and more committed when we quit making marriage the only place we find purpose and meaning. 

Last August, we were with friends in Honolulu, and one of them got angry about the all-inclusive hotel and its plethora of services. He said it was the hotel’s way of tricking people into spending all their time and money there, discouraging guests from going out into the city and seeing the beautiful island.

He insisted on spending most of his time outside of the hotel, discovering new things. Then, after a day of exploring, he would return to the hotel to rest and recover.

I think that’s how marriage is supposed to work. It’s not supposed to be the one place we experience satisfaction in life. It’s supposed to be the place we return to—the safe place to recover—after we have ventured out into the world, to explore, to discover, to live. 

Marriage is the Hub of a Rebellion

What if we can’t find enduring purpose and meaning in marriage alone, because it’s simply not there to be found? What if purpose and meaning are found as we venture out into the world,

discovering we are strong enough to endure and good enough no matter what,

discovering a community or a cause that echoes the cry of our heart,

discovering how our gifts fit the needs of a broken world,

discovering how to love the unloveable (including ourselves),

discovering the grace that contains it all,

and discovering the courage to live all of it one day at a time.

Marriage is not an existential convenience store or an all-inclusive bundle of emotional services. Marriage is not the place we fight for good things—it’s the place we return to after we fight for good things, in ourselves and out in the world. It’s the place we return to:

to celebrate our victories,

to mourn our losses,

to lick our wounds,

to regain our strength,

and to be sent back out into the world again.

When lived in this way, our marriages become a celebration—a place of rejoicing and encouragement and support—and the hub of a rebellion against a world riddled with shame, meaninglessness, loneliness, despair and darkness. 

Two people living with that kind of purpose become a light no darkness can withstand. 

Last night, in the midst of a “family cleaning night,” I heard my daughter in her room, cleaning up and making up a silly song of her own: “By myself this is too hard, but together, we can do it. Together, we can do anything.”

Yes.

Marriage isn’t everything. But from within it, we can do anything.

What do you think about this view of marriage?  Leave your comments in the comment section.

[Featured Post] Marriage and Scooby-Doo (and the Freedom of Mystery)

This featured post comes from the blog Untangled: A Psychologist's Reflections on Therapy and Life

Marriage and Scooby-Doo (and the Freedom of Mystery)

 
They’ve messed up Scooby-Doo. 

When I was young, you could always count on “the gang” to solve the mystery. The monster always turned out to be some rich-white-male capitalist trying to rip off somebody. I liked Scooby-Doo, because there was a mystery, followed quickly by solutions. In the newer episodes for a new generation, the monsters turn out to be…monsters. The mystery never really gets solved. The point of the show is to experience the mystery, rather than to solve it. 

But my kids love it. They prefer mystery to solutions.

Maybe I need to learn how to love mystery again. Maybe we all do. Our marriages and our world may even depend upon it…

I’m not alone in my quest for solutions.

Just last night, I sat in my living with a group of friends—our children playing outdoors in the June twilight, echoes of laughter drifting on the breeze through open windows—and we talked about the ways we try solve even the most uncertain and mysterious of human experiences. Does a particular feeling mean we made the best job decision? Does our children’s happiness confirm we moved into the right neighborhood? Does a sense of accomplishment mean I have used my time wisely?

Uncertainty everywhere. Mystery everywhere. And all of us on the endless hunt for solutions, for answers to the timeless, unanswerable questions.

While our kids played.

Why do we yearn to solve the mystery? I think we search for solutions because they bring the illusion of certainty, and certainty brings a sense of safety. And we will go to incredible lengths to feel safe. In fact, we have been encouraged to do so from the womb.

Before we were born, most of our parents were purchasing the safest, most disaster-proof crib on the market. They were installing plugs in the light sockets and putting mouth-sized things in cupboards out of reach.

And once we could speak, they plied us with questions, searching for answers. Our parents wanted us to explain our every emotion, and they wanted to know what possessed us to do this or that. Our teachers were always looking for a specific answer, because standardized tests don’t measure mystery.

And the world knows we will pay an awful lot to purchase a feeling of safety. From the moment we earned our first paycheck, businesses were selling us the solutions they create. So, we have become convinced that iPhones are the answer to our disconnectedness, or that a particular neighborhood is the answer to our children’s education and future. Or we settle on a particular theology or a particular church, so we won’t have to wonder anymore. Or we eat kale and expensive vitamins and we think we have found the answer for perfect health.

We seek solutions because they make us feel safe. For a while.

But, inevitably, something happens:

An accident.

Or a diagnosis.

Or an affair.

Or maybe nothing happens, and we simply notice the gnawing sense of unease has returned—the questions are back, and we resume our desperate scramble for answers.

You see, as it turns out, solutions do not bring the peace and freedom for which we are so desperately searching.

Last week, I was in the kitchen finishing the dinner dishes, when my eight-year-old son, Aidan, walked in to the room. He was wearing a flannel bathrobe, with eyeglasses slightly askew, and he was holding a book about the 9/11 terrorist attacks. (Parenting fail?)

A little gray hair and a pipe, and he might have been an elderly man enjoying his retirement.

Of course, what came out of his mouth only added to the effect. He said, “Daddy, the thing I love about God is that the more you think about him, the more questions you have. And I love questions and mysteries.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

His words ruptured me—they were truth and art and revelation, and they took my breath away. But even more than the words themselves, I was struck by the sense of peace and freedom with which they were uttered.

Because having solutions does not bring peace and freedom.


Peace and freedom come when we relinquish solutions and revel in the mystery.

When we stand on the threshold of mystery, we will be afraid at first, because it feels chaotic and dangerous. But if we can stay there, if we can dip our toe into the waters of mystery, we may be transformed. 

We may become like children again.

My two-year-old daughter, Caitlin, has just entered the “why stage.” She asks the question, “Why?” with impunity. And in the end, with dimples popping and a glimmer in her eye, she always answers herself in this way: “Because that’s the way it is supposed to be.”

That answer is enough for her. 
 
She’s not asking the question in order to find the answer—she’s asking because her eyes are opening up to a vast, glorious world, and her questions are an expression of wonder in the mystery of it all. Her questions don’t require answers. They only require asking. 

How might we enter into this kind of mystery and revel in it? I think we can begin by dipping our toes into the on-going, unsolvable mystery of the people to whom we’ve committed our lives. I think our marriages could be a training ground for a people learning to revel in the mystery. Because the truth is, we are all walking mysteries, even to ourselves. If we can never fully know our own depths, how can we expect to fully comprehend the depths of another? Our husbands and wives are bottomless mysteries that defy solving, and we are left no choice but to live in their mystery.

What would happen if we became like children again, reveling in the mystery of the people we are married to, rediscovering the joy of asking questions—not in order to nail down answers, but simply as a way to honor the glory in the people next to us and to acknowledge the wonder in the world around us?

I think we might be transformed into a childlike people, trading the safe harbor of feeble, temporary answers for the vulnerability and wonder of endless questions. I think we might live our relationships and our lives soaked in the freedom and peace of a child discovering. We might stare long at a spider web and wonder at its complexity. We might look at a night sky and marvel at the vastness. We might look into the rebellious eyes of our child and melt at the mysterious universe behind them. We might trade in the violence of certainty for the awe-inspiring peace of the mystery, and in doing so we may unleash freedom in our marriages, and in our families, and in our friendships, and in a world captivated by the need for certainty.

So, tonight, fall asleep next to your spouse. But in the morning, allow yourself to awake to a stranger. Awake to the mystery of another wondrous creature, and become like kids again, forsaking the safety of certain-answers and reveling in the multiplication of questions.

Tomorrow, unleash some mystery into the world, and live in the peace and freedom of it.

[Book Review] I'm Not Leaving. by Carl Wilkens

In his first person account of the 1994 Rwandan genocide, Carl Wilkens challenges the reader to not only end genocide, but also the selfish attitude that leads to it.

Genocide, to those familiar with the term it brings to mind stories and pictures we would rather forget.  Yet we must remember it if we are to put a stop to it and prevent it from reoccurring, and that is one of the goals of this book.  I'm not leaving. comes from a unique perspective in that Wilkens was the only American to remain in the country of Rwanda while the Hutu tribe sought to exterminate the minority Tutsi tribe.  You will find very few statistics in this book because numbers are so large as to have very little impact on our lives.  Rather this book focuses on the stories of the people involved on both sides of the divide.  This paragraph from the book summarizes this thought well.

"While the stories written here happened during the genocide, this book is not really about genocide. It is more about the choices people made, actions people took, courage people showed, and sacrifices people gave in the face of genocide."

His story begins with probably the most difficult choice anyone would have to make.  The choice for Carl to put his young family in a departing truck while he stayed behind in a country on the brink of disaster.  He goes on to talk about how his life was constantly in danger despite his association with the humanitarian organization ADRA, how so many others risked life and limb to help those who were less fortunate (mainly orphans), and how he often received assistance in his work from the very people carrying out the massacre.

However, these stories almost never happened.  Soon after the killing started, a murderous mob appeared at the gates of the Wilkins' home with the intention of killing the entire family.  This mob was fended off not by a show of force, but by stories.  Little grandmothers and mothers with babies in their arms told the mob how the Wilkinses helped them when they had problems and how the Wilkins children played with their children.  Carl and his family had reached out to those who were different than they were, and because of this their lives were spared.

I'm not leaving. flies in the face of a world embroiled in an "us versus them" mentality (Something I wrote about recently as well as some time ago).  I had the privilege of hearing Wilkens in person and talked about people having the attitude of "the other" in the sense of how much better the world would be if the other were not in it.  He said that we all are in danger of harboring such thoughts, and we need to realize that there is a world outside my shoes.

I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone.  You can order a copy of it here.

Featured Post: What I Learned About Leadership from a Fight with My WIfe

This featured post comes from Intentional Leadership, a blog written by Michael Hyatt, Chairman of Thomas Nelson Publishers.  His goal is to "help people live and lead on purpose".

What I Learned About Leadership from a Fight with My Wife

Gail and I have been married for thirty-three years. She is my lover, my best friend, and my coach. But a few days ago we had a fight. It was a doozy.

Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/mediaphotos

It’s not important what it was about. It was one of those issues we have stumbled over previously. But I will admit that it was my fault. I ambushed her and let it escalate beyond what the circumstances warranted.

Thankfully, it ended well. Primarily, because Gail was patient, refusing to react to my rant. This was enough to end what Emerson Eggerichs calls, “the crazy cycle.” (If you haven’t read his book, Love and Respect, you must do so. It’s the most practical book on marriage I’ve read.)

Weary—and feeling a little foolish—we asked one another’s forgiveness and restored the relationship.

As I was reflecting on that experience today, I thought to myself, How can we avoid slipping into this same conflict in the future. I wrote down five lessons I want to remember for the future.

1. Clarify our expectations up front. Most conflicts are born out of a misalignment of expectations. In this particular argument, I had a set of unexpressed expectations that Gail failed to meet. If we had discussed them before the day began, we would have likely avoided the problem altogether. But, she didn’t know, because I hadn’t bothered to articulate them.
2. Assume the best about each other. This is especially difficult in the heat of the moment. It is easy to impute motives. But, realistically, your spouse does not get up in the morning intending to make your life miserable. You have to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he or she is well-intentioned.
3. Affirm the priority of the relationship. The most important asset you have as a couple is the health of your relationship. You don’t want to win the battle but lose the war. Near the end of our argument, I finally came to my senses. I said, “Honestly, I don’t know who is right or who is wrong. What I know for sure is that I love you and that trumps everything.” She quickly agreed.
4. De-personalize the problem. When you square off against one another and make it personal, it gets ugly. If you are not careful, you end up cornering your spouse and leaving them no other option than to react or retaliate. Instead, you have to move to their side of the table, and work on the problem together.
5. Listen more than you talk. When you get angry, it is easy to rant—to give expression to your emotion. This is almost never a good idea. Instead, if you want to be understood, you must seek to understand. (Thank you, Dr. Covey.) This means trying to see the other person’s point-of-view. Ask a question, and then ask a follow-up question.

What does this have to do with leadership? Everything. If you can’t lead yourself, you can’t lead others. And if you can’t learn to manage conflict with those closest to you, how can you manage it with those who have less of a stake in the outcome?

Question: What have you learned from conflict in your own marriage? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Anatomy of Intensity

Mother Lioness via newtechtips.org

Feeling run down?  Does life seem to pass you by?  Maybe you need to be more INTENSE!  Today we'll look at the subject of intensity.  Can we generate it by force of will, or learn it in a classroom?  What does the word even mean?  This post looks at these questions and more as we dissect this often misunderstood concept.

Being from another part of the country than where I currently reside, I occasionally check the news from my home state.  Recently, I came across a video regarding a local football team.  In the video, two reporters commented on various players.  At one point they stated that player x should be more like player y, meaning one lacked the intensity of the other.  They then hoped that y could "pass along" his intensity to x.  This sparked a thought within me.  Can intensity be learned or must one simply be born with it?  This question got me started on a deeper look into this subject.

First we must ask the question "What does the word intensity mean?"

Dictionary Definitions

The Merriam-Webster Learner's Dictionary (a resource for those learning English) gives the following definition for the word intensity

1 [noncount] : the quality or state of being intense : extreme strength or force
▪ the intensity of the sun's rays ▪ the intensity of the argument

2 : the degree or amount of strength or force that something has [count]
▪ hurricanes of different intensities [noncount] ▪ The noise grew in intensity. [=the noise became louder] ▪ The sun shone with great intensity.

 I chose the Learner's Dictionary definition because of its simplified language as well as its illustrations.  What about other illustrations from nature?

Natural Intensity

An example of natural intensity from my own experience comes to mind.  Some years ago I visited a zoo which had a lioness with young cubs.  Part of the enclosure had transparent walls, and zoo employees had to put additional barriers on the people side because anyone coming too close to the wall would provoke an attack.  I stood well away from the enclosure, but when the lioness' eyes met mine I received the message loud and clear.  If there were no wall between us, my name would no longer be Brent Buttler, my name would be Dead Meat.  The intensity of her look foretold of the violent effort that she would put forth to defend her offspring, but can intensity be displayed in a nonviolent way?

Yes it can.

Nonviolent Intensity

Violent intensity comes to mind first because, let's face it, we live in a violent world, and many examples of violence exist.  However, when we look at the definition of intensity we see that it has to do with the strength of an object or activity rather than its violence.  This strength can also be applied to nonviolent actions and emotions.  An example of nonviolent intensity for me comes from a scene in the film Matthew from The Visual Bible series.  In this scene (starting at 1:38 in the video) Bruce Marchiano, portraying Jesus, looked at Matthew with such intensity that when He told him to "Follow Me" Matthew did so without hesitation.  Now one can argue that Jesus didn't have to learn to be intense, but what about the rest of us?  Can those who exhibit passivity become intense?

Yes,  but not in the way you may think.

Learning Intensity

From my observation and experience I have found that you cannot learn intensity in a classroom or from a book.  You can learn how an intense person acts, but true intensity has to be more than simply going through the motions.  A passive person becomes intense only through a relationship with an intense person.  So if you find yourself feeling run down and you see life passing you by, take the time to develop a relationship with the most intense Person you will ever know, Jesus Christ.

Think I'm on the right track, or do you think I'm way off the mark?  Let me know.  I look forward to your input in this matter.

Book Review: Faith That Works

Wanna make it into heaven, but don't know how to get there?  Morris Venden's book Faith That Works will tell you how, but don't simply take my word for it, read it for yourself.

According to an old saying one cannot judge the contents of a book by its cover.  While that may be true in many cases, by looking at the cover you can still get a good idea about what's inside.  When you read the back cover of this book, you will discover its theme.  Righteousness is not something you can achieve on your own.  It can only be achieved through Jesus.

When you look inside the book you will find that theme throughout.  This daily reader (one page for each day of the year) begins with pertinent title "What God is Like" and leads you on a journey into a deeper understanding of God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Christian life until you arrive at the last title "Jesus, Your Best Friend".   My wife and I started reading this book most of the way through the year last year, but the effect remained the same.  Despite our growing up in Christian environments, we found ourselves being challenged and encouraged to take a deeper look at our views on a variety of subjects.

For example, one does not overcome temptation with clenched fists and gritted teeth, you simply get to the point where temptation has no power over you at all (you can find a more detailed explanation here).

Whether you're a lifelong Christian, or you aren't even sure what Christianity is all about, you will benefit from reading this book.  Can one find similar thoughts in other books?  Absolutely, but Venden's style of writing makes complicated topics easy to understand.  Many times while reading this book I found myself thinking, "Hmm, I never thought about it that way before."  Venden's passion for the subject matter practically oozes from the pages, and will draw you into wanting to know more about this being called God, and this man named Jesus.

Being over ten years old, this book should be easy to get for relatively little money (I got mine for free, not sure why the previous owner gave it up).  So, what are you waiting for?  Get yours today.

Looking for You

"Seeking the Lost Sheep in the Mountains"
courtesy La Vista Church of Christ

God is looking for you, even if we don't think we are worth the effort.

There is one fact that I want you to be perfectly clear about, and that is that God loves you.  We have heard people say a lot about God loving the world (if we hear even that much), and often lose sight of the fact that He loves us as  individuals.  It doesn't matter what we have done, or even what we are doing right now, He still loves us; loves me; loves you.

Many stories exist that, in one way or another, try to illustrate that love.  The one I read most recently involves a man who owned some sheep, a hundred of them to be exact.  Now at the end of the day when he brought all the sheep in from grazing, it seems as though one was missing.  He counts again, and sure enough, only ninety-nine sheep.  He could have thought that it was too much trouble to go out into the darkness to find this one sheep.  He could have thought that the lost sheep will get what it deserves for wandering away.  He could have thought up so many excuses not to go out, but instead he chose to look for that one lost sheep.

A storm started to brew, but that did not deter him.  It only served to increase the earnestness of his search.  Despite the darkness of the night and the danger of the path, he searches until at long last he hears the faint sound of his lost sheep.  He can tell that if he doesn't get to it soon it will be too late, and with great joy he at last finds it.  He doesn't scold or punish the sheep, but rather takes it in his arms and brings it to the place of safety.  It didn't matter what the sheep had done, he was simply glad to bring it home.

One writer put it this way

"Desponding soul, take courage, even though you have done wickedly. Do not think that perhaps God will pardon your transgressions and permit you to come into His presence. God has made the first advance. While you were in rebellion against Him, He went forth to seek you. With the tender heart of the shepherd He left the ninety and nine and went out into the wilderness to find that which was lost."  Christ's Object Lessons pgs. 188-189

One of the greatest lies going around is the one that states that we have gone too far, committed too many sins to be loved by a holy God, but that could not be further from the truth.  However far we have gone, He will go even farther to bring us to Him.  Don't worry about trying to fix yourself ahead of time, simply allow yourself to be found, and He will find you because He is looking for you.

"The Powers That Be"

A better understanding of Romans 13:1-9 gave me a better understanding how God intended government to be run.

I mentioned in my first post regarding the book "Rights of the People" that there most likely would be more insights that I would like to share from this book.  My prediction proved correct with the next chapter entitled "The Powers That Be."  The following is a summary of the main thoughts found in this chapter.

Many people have used Romans 13:1 to show that civil government has the right to govern in things that pertain to God.  The first nine verses of the chapter show that governmental powers are ordained by God and state that everyone regardless of religious persuasion has "the duty of respectful subjection to civil government."  It's not a stretch of the imagination to see that this passage is built upon Jesus' command to "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's."  In this command, Jesus shows a plain recognition of "the rightfulness of civil government, and that civil government has claims upon us which we are in duty bound to recognize, and that there are things which duty requires us to render to the civil government."  The passage in Romans 13 is simply saying the same thing in different words.

Jones summarizes this point by stating,

"[T]his instruction is confined absolutely to man's relationship to his fellow-men; it is evident that when Christians have paid their taxes, and have show proper respect to their fellow-men, then their obligation, their duty, and their respect to the powers that be, have been fully discharged, and those powers never can rightly have any further jurisdiction over their conduct.  This is not to say that the State has jurisdiction of the last six commandments as such.  It is only to say that the jurisdiction of the State is confined solely to man's conduct to man, and never can touch his relationship to God, even under the second table of the law."

Even though the powers that be are ordained of God, they are not ordained for the purpose of enforcing anything regarding the first four commandments.  As a basis for this point, Jones uses the example of Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon.  Jeremiah 27:1-8 states that Nebuchadnezzar's power was ordained of God.  God called him "my servant" and stated that whoever would not submit to the Babylonian monarch would be severely punished.  However, there is one well-known passage that shows the limitation of God's ordination.  This is the story of the giant golden image in Daniel 3.

In this story the three Hebrews did not bow to the image when they were commanded to bow.  They knew that they should submit to Nebuchadnezzar because it had be prophesied by Jeremiah (in the previously mentioned passage) as well as by Isaiah (in Isaiah 39).  However, they knew that in regards to worship, Nebuchadnezzar had no power over them.  In the ensuing miracle of deliverance from the fire, God proved the point that even though He gave the king power, that power was limited to certain areas.  This limitation was also shown to Babylon's successor, Media-Persia, in the situation involving Daniel's worship and the den of lions.

A key question to ask at this point is the one pertaining to how the powers that be are ordained of God.  Some powers were directly and/or miraculously ordained as in the case of David, Moses, Gideon, etc.  Nebuchadnezzar did not come to power this way.  His power came through the providential workings of God, and through the people, namely the soldiers whom his father led to conquer the land of Babylonia.

Romans 13:1-9 does not speak of the rulers themselves, but rather the governmental power they represent.  Jones puts it this way,

"Outside the theocracy of Israel, there never has been a ruler on earth whose authority was not, primarily or ultimately, expressly or permissively, derived from the people.  It is not particular sovereigns whose power is ordained of God nor any particular form of government.  It is the genius of government itself.  The absence of government is anarchy."

It is interesting to note that Jones does not advocate any specific form of government, and later on in that paragraph he stated that it does not matter what form of government it is, "the governmental power and order thus exercised are ordained of God."  After stating that, he is sure to reiterate the previous point that regardless of this God-ordained power, government cannot do anything to infringe upon mankind's relationship with God.

Apostasy in Galatia

We are not to have a cookie-cutter approach to evangelism.

In this chapter the contrast is brought out between how the apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians and how he wrote to the Galatians.

How different from Paul's manner of writing to the Corinthian church was the course he pursued toward the Galatians! The former he rebuked with caution and tenderness, the latter with words of unsparing reproof. The Corinthians had been overcome by temptation. Deceived by the ingenious sophistry of teachers who presented errors under the guise of truth, they had become confused and bewildered. To teach them to distinguish the false from the true, called for caution and patience. Harshness or injudicious haste on Paul's part would have destroyed his influence over many of those whom he longed to help. 

In the Galatian churches, open, unmasked error was supplanting the gospel message. Christ, the true foundation of the faith, was virtually renounced for the obsolete ceremonies of Judaism. The apostle saw that if the believers in Galatia were saved from the dangerous influences which threatened them, the most decisive measures must be taken, the sharpest warnings given. pg. 385

To put it into more modern terms, Paul exercised some tough love with the Galatians. Many Christians are hesitant to get tough with people for fear of driving them away. The scales seemed tipped in the direction of softness, tenderness and permissiveness causing a lot of things to go on in the Christian church that should not be allowed to happen. I won't give examples, but I'm sure that you can think of some.

What made Paul such a successful missionary is his ability to adapt, and we can develop that same ability.

An important lesson for every minister of Christ to learn is that of adapting his labors to the condition of those whom he seeks to benefit. Tenderness, patience, decision, and firmness are alike needful; but these are to be exercised with proper discrimination. To deal wisely with different classes of minds, under varied circumstances and conditions, is a work requiring wisdom and judgment enlightened and sanctified by the Spirit of God. pgs. 385,386

A problem I see in much of Adventist outreach efforts is the lack of adaptation. We have programs on top of programs. Every time you turn around someone has developed a new evangelistic program. The individual churches take these programs, follow them to the letter, and expect the converts to roll in. We need less programs and more "wisdom and judgment enlightened and sanctified by the Spirit of God." I'm not advocating the abolishment of programs, I'm simply saying that we need to use wisdom and judgment in adapting those programs to the various circumstances and conditions.

A good example of this is an evangelistic campaign I was involved with in San Francisco, CA. The evangelist used the traditional program but changed it somewhat. The traditional Seventh-day Adventist program starts off with the metal image in Daniel chapter two and uses it to show how people can trust the Bible. The evangelist saw this and thought that something should be altered. He looked around and saw that San Francisco was an extremely secular city. Whereas in other places people grow up with some knowledge of God, the Bible, etc., in that city there was an extreme lack of that knowledge. So instead of starting off with the traditional presentation, his first presentation was "Who is God?" in which he sought to let people know the truth about God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

In order to make such adaptations we need to get to know our surroundings. Exactly how we go about learning about them is something will probably vary but it often involves doing some research. I had a class in missions as part of my graduate work in which the professor advocated looking at recent census data, as well as looking at The Association of Religious Data Archives to see the socioeconomic and religious make-up of your area. Another great resource is Mark Finley's book "Studying Together" which goes through various belief systems and shows the similarities and differences between them and Adventism.

Whatever tools we use, they are useless if we don't have the Spirit of God in our hearts, so as we seek to draw others a better relationship with God, let us seek to improve our relationship as well.

Are We Playing it Too Safe?

I saw one of those eHarmony ads that seem to be everywhere these days, and it got me thinking. The ads give me the impression that if one uses their program that they will find the ideal mate simply because their screening process is so thorough. If one were to join the site they wouldn't have to worry about finding that special someone. They will be lining up to meet them, and it would be just a matter of time before you and your soul mate will be grinning and gushing on one of those ads.

It made me wonder. Are we playing it too safe? Are we so afraid of getting our hearts broken that we will spend hundreds of dollars (the site is expensive) to simply get introduced to someone via an elaborate, copyrighted program? I think that people spend so much energy looking for that perfect someone because they are too afraid to risk their hearts with a person that may seem less than ideal. People often don't realize that even with all that matching that there are still risks involved. They still have to open themselves up and run the risk of getting hurt.

Even sincere Christians can fall into that trap. They think that if they pray hard enough, and live a Christian life that the right person will simply fall into their laps. That one day they will hear a knock at the door, and the person who knocked will say, "Hi, how are you? I am the one God has chosen for you to spend the rest of your life with." True, prayer will help us make better decisions, but we still have to put our necks out there sometimes. We have to take a chance and open up to people that may not line up 100% with our criteria. Prayer doesn't eliminate pain. It simply helps us grow through our painful experiences.

I think that our fear of failure may be standing in the way of our personal growth. I look back at my relationships that didn't work out (or for that matter, never even got off the ground), and I know that I am a better person because of the lessons I learned from those failures.

I am not advocating that single people should just go out and get into relationships with people they know for certain that are wrong for them. I am writing this for those people that are in the "should I, or shouldn't I" stage. Go ahead, and take a risk. You might get hurt, but you could be a better person because of that experience. You could find the person you always wanted, and at least you won't have to go through life wondering, "What if . . ."

Change of Status

First off, it was a pleasant surprise that this event has gotten as much buzz. It's nice to know that I am liked or at least am a source of curiosity. There have been a few requests from friends for more details, and I was thinking about emailing all of you and giving you said details. Then this morning when Nadya asked me for the rest of the story, I thought that there must be a way to tell multiple people at the same time. Then I remembered that I have this blog, and decided to put it to use to accomplish this goal.

As always, the best place to begin is, well, the beginning. Not too long ago I got a friend request on Facebook from someone I didn't recognize. Not a totally unusual occurrence, and as my general policy about such things is, I accepted (I figure that if someone wants to be my friend, I'll let them because I like making new friends). I noticed that this woman went to the same school I went to for my undergraduate degree, Southwestern Adventist University (SWAU), so that meant that at least she had good decision-making skills when it came to choosing schools. However, I didn't give her too much thought after that.

Some time later, I noticed that she said that she was going to drive from Southwestern to Loma Linda, CA. I'm not a big fan of moving or driving long distances, so I wrote her that I wished that I could be of some assistance. I didn't do this as a means of gaining favor. I just wanted to be helpful. She then responded, stating her appreciation for the thought. We corresponded a little bit, then I did something that I don't usually do, I wrote back and said that once she gets settled in Loma Linda, if it would be OK to call her. She said it was OK, gave me her contact info., and I waited. I wasn't anxious as though I was expecting something great to happen. I simply felt good that I was making a new friend.

A few days passed, and I notice that she posted something regarding her being in Loma Linda, and shortly thereafter, I called her. Turns out that she thought I was somebody else when she put in the friend request. There was another Brent that went to Brazil (where she's from) on a recruiting trip for SWAU. She didn't remember exactly what he looked liked, and thought I was that guy. I guess that sometimes our "mistakes" are in fact, God's leading.

We had a good rapport on the phone, and bemoaned the fact that we lived so far apart because we thought it would be nice to hang out sometime. The phone calls continued, and the friendship deepened. Then we discovered that we both had Windows Messenger and webcams, so we thought that it would be fun to actually see each other while we talked on the phone. This was helpful because now there wasn't just a disembodied voice on the phone, there was an image on the screen that corresponded to said voice.

Things progressed nicely because we found out that we have a lot of things in common, not just interests, but also personalities. We understand each other, where we're coming from, where we want to go. I was more reluctant than her to publicly declare our relationship. I'm not exactly sure why, but most likely because I had been burned in the past (not something I want to get into). However, the other night I came to the conclusion that I was just fooling myself, and soon afterward I told her that I was totally committed to making the relationship work. Without skipping a beat, she asked if we should change our status. It was late, so I said that we should do it in the morning, and that was on the top of my list of things to do that day. I must say that I feel better now that it is changed. It's not an ecstatic feeling, just the feeling you get when you do the right thing.

So, I'm asking, and I'm sure she would ask the same, that you keep us in your prayers. We want to do things according to God's will and we want things to work out so that we can be together for an extended period of time, as in, forever.

Living a Wonderful, or at Least, a Better, Life

Now I'm not one that usually passes around material that has been forwarded to my inbox, but in light of my previous post, I thought this one was worth passing on to you. I mentioned earlier how people are so stressed out about so many things lately. This stress is often warranted, but too many people deal with it in the wrong way (i.e. addictions, violence, etc.). The following is a list of things that we can do that will have a positive effect on our lives and the lives of those around us.

Instructions for a Wonderful Life

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day and while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did the previous year.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dine like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more!
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
28. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!
29. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
30. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
31. The best is yet to come....!!!! Imagine the possibilities!
32. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
33. Do the right thing!
34. Call your family often...!
35. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy!
36. Each day give something good to others.
37. Don't over do. Keep your limits!