[Featured Post] Marriage and Scooby-Doo (and the Freedom of Mystery)

This featured post comes from the blog Untangled: A Psychologist's Reflections on Therapy and Life

Marriage and Scooby-Doo (and the Freedom of Mystery)

 
They’ve messed up Scooby-Doo. 

When I was young, you could always count on “the gang” to solve the mystery. The monster always turned out to be some rich-white-male capitalist trying to rip off somebody. I liked Scooby-Doo, because there was a mystery, followed quickly by solutions. In the newer episodes for a new generation, the monsters turn out to be…monsters. The mystery never really gets solved. The point of the show is to experience the mystery, rather than to solve it. 

But my kids love it. They prefer mystery to solutions.

Maybe I need to learn how to love mystery again. Maybe we all do. Our marriages and our world may even depend upon it…

I’m not alone in my quest for solutions.

Just last night, I sat in my living with a group of friends—our children playing outdoors in the June twilight, echoes of laughter drifting on the breeze through open windows—and we talked about the ways we try solve even the most uncertain and mysterious of human experiences. Does a particular feeling mean we made the best job decision? Does our children’s happiness confirm we moved into the right neighborhood? Does a sense of accomplishment mean I have used my time wisely?

Uncertainty everywhere. Mystery everywhere. And all of us on the endless hunt for solutions, for answers to the timeless, unanswerable questions.

While our kids played.

Why do we yearn to solve the mystery? I think we search for solutions because they bring the illusion of certainty, and certainty brings a sense of safety. And we will go to incredible lengths to feel safe. In fact, we have been encouraged to do so from the womb.

Before we were born, most of our parents were purchasing the safest, most disaster-proof crib on the market. They were installing plugs in the light sockets and putting mouth-sized things in cupboards out of reach.

And once we could speak, they plied us with questions, searching for answers. Our parents wanted us to explain our every emotion, and they wanted to know what possessed us to do this or that. Our teachers were always looking for a specific answer, because standardized tests don’t measure mystery.

And the world knows we will pay an awful lot to purchase a feeling of safety. From the moment we earned our first paycheck, businesses were selling us the solutions they create. So, we have become convinced that iPhones are the answer to our disconnectedness, or that a particular neighborhood is the answer to our children’s education and future. Or we settle on a particular theology or a particular church, so we won’t have to wonder anymore. Or we eat kale and expensive vitamins and we think we have found the answer for perfect health.

We seek solutions because they make us feel safe. For a while.

But, inevitably, something happens:

An accident.

Or a diagnosis.

Or an affair.

Or maybe nothing happens, and we simply notice the gnawing sense of unease has returned—the questions are back, and we resume our desperate scramble for answers.

You see, as it turns out, solutions do not bring the peace and freedom for which we are so desperately searching.

Last week, I was in the kitchen finishing the dinner dishes, when my eight-year-old son, Aidan, walked in to the room. He was wearing a flannel bathrobe, with eyeglasses slightly askew, and he was holding a book about the 9/11 terrorist attacks. (Parenting fail?)

A little gray hair and a pipe, and he might have been an elderly man enjoying his retirement.

Of course, what came out of his mouth only added to the effect. He said, “Daddy, the thing I love about God is that the more you think about him, the more questions you have. And I love questions and mysteries.”

Out of the mouths of babes.

His words ruptured me—they were truth and art and revelation, and they took my breath away. But even more than the words themselves, I was struck by the sense of peace and freedom with which they were uttered.

Because having solutions does not bring peace and freedom.


Peace and freedom come when we relinquish solutions and revel in the mystery.

When we stand on the threshold of mystery, we will be afraid at first, because it feels chaotic and dangerous. But if we can stay there, if we can dip our toe into the waters of mystery, we may be transformed. 

We may become like children again.

My two-year-old daughter, Caitlin, has just entered the “why stage.” She asks the question, “Why?” with impunity. And in the end, with dimples popping and a glimmer in her eye, she always answers herself in this way: “Because that’s the way it is supposed to be.”

That answer is enough for her. 
 
She’s not asking the question in order to find the answer—she’s asking because her eyes are opening up to a vast, glorious world, and her questions are an expression of wonder in the mystery of it all. Her questions don’t require answers. They only require asking. 

How might we enter into this kind of mystery and revel in it? I think we can begin by dipping our toes into the on-going, unsolvable mystery of the people to whom we’ve committed our lives. I think our marriages could be a training ground for a people learning to revel in the mystery. Because the truth is, we are all walking mysteries, even to ourselves. If we can never fully know our own depths, how can we expect to fully comprehend the depths of another? Our husbands and wives are bottomless mysteries that defy solving, and we are left no choice but to live in their mystery.

What would happen if we became like children again, reveling in the mystery of the people we are married to, rediscovering the joy of asking questions—not in order to nail down answers, but simply as a way to honor the glory in the people next to us and to acknowledge the wonder in the world around us?

I think we might be transformed into a childlike people, trading the safe harbor of feeble, temporary answers for the vulnerability and wonder of endless questions. I think we might live our relationships and our lives soaked in the freedom and peace of a child discovering. We might stare long at a spider web and wonder at its complexity. We might look at a night sky and marvel at the vastness. We might look into the rebellious eyes of our child and melt at the mysterious universe behind them. We might trade in the violence of certainty for the awe-inspiring peace of the mystery, and in doing so we may unleash freedom in our marriages, and in our families, and in our friendships, and in a world captivated by the need for certainty.

So, tonight, fall asleep next to your spouse. But in the morning, allow yourself to awake to a stranger. Awake to the mystery of another wondrous creature, and become like kids again, forsaking the safety of certain-answers and reveling in the multiplication of questions.

Tomorrow, unleash some mystery into the world, and live in the peace and freedom of it.

[SAHD] Diaper-Changing Song

For some reason I often have this song in my head when I'm changing a diaper.  I guess I saw too many reruns of the Bunch while I was growing up.



There's actually a lot of truth in the lyrics, which go as follows.

Autumn turns to winter,
And winter turns to spring.
It doesn't go just for seasons you know,
It goes for everything.

The same is true for voices,
When boys begin to grow.
You gotta take a lesson from Mother Nature,
And if you do you'll know.

[chorus]
When it's time to change, then its time to change
Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange
who you are into what you're gonna be.

Day by day, it's hard to see the changes you've been through
A little bit of living, a little bit of growing all adds up to you
Every boy's a man inside, a girl's a woman too
And if you wanna reach your destiny, here's what you've got to do

[chorus]

Autumn turns to winter,
And winter turns to spring.
It doesn't go just for seasons you know,
It goes for everything.

The same is true for voices,
When boys begin to grow.
You gotta take a lesson from Mother Nature,
And if you do you'll know.

Hope you enjoyed your trip down memory lane, and have groovy day.

Book Review: The Jesus I Never Knew

Photo courtesy goodreads.com

Phillip Yancey challenges the reader to take a second, third, and fourth look at Christianity's most talked about, yet most frequently misunderstood, subjects; the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.

Yancey starts off this book with his first encounter with the concept of Jesus.  A scene not too unfamiliar to those who grew up in a Christian environment.  Since I fall into that category, I can identify with it as well.  I used the word "fall" almost unconsciously, but it fits so well.  As children, we don't have much control over where we go, what we do, or what type of home we grow up in.  With our undeveloped skepticism, we believe whatever comes from the mouths of those in authority regardless of its truthfulness.  Sadly, as we grow older, we discover that those in authority have not been completely honest with us.  This was the case with Philip Yancey.

Yancey grew up believing Jesus to be one who had "no sharp edges at all--a Mister Rogers before the age of children's television."  Those of you who did not grow up in the United States, or simply did not watch "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" most likely will not be able to fully grasp the power of that illustration.  As one who watched the program extensively growing up, I know exactly what picture Yancey tried to portray.  Mister Rogers was the ultimate nice guy, and his show followed his personality.  In researching for this post I came across the program's opening theme, something I hadn't seen for a very long time, and I couldn't help but feel a warm sense of peace as I watched it.  Young Philip felt that same peace thinking about Jesus, the problem being that was where his concept of Jesus ended.  As Yancey grew up his concept broadened, sometimes exponentially, and this book details what he discovered about this Man Who was God.  What did Yancey discover?

Yancey found out that Jesus is more than we think He is, and when you think you have Him figured out, something else comes along that completely contradicts what you first thought.  Jesus lived a life of apparent contradictions: the Sinless One Who was a Friend of Sinners, powerful men and evil angels would cower in His presence or simply run away, yet little children and outcast women were drawn to Him, and never wanted to leave His side.  A friend of mine described Jesus as a "human magnet", a fitting description indeed for those were seemingly His opposite were drawn to Him, yet those who were seemingly His equal were repulsed.

While other books exist about Jesus' life that I would place in higher esteem (namely one in particular), The Jesus I Never Knew helped to remind me that simply because we have learned something as a child doesn't necessarily make it true, and that we should keep our minds and hearts open to God's leading.  For although we most likely will have to give up long cherished ideas, the new ones that we accept will be much, much better.

Featured Post: Clutter and Newton’s First Law of Motion

This Featured Post comes from Erin Doland's blog Unclutterer, which "is the blog about getting and staying organized. A place for everything, and everything in its place is our gospel."

Clutter and Newton’s First Law of Motion

When uncluttering your home and office, chances are you’ll come across many objects you’ve thought about getting rid of dozens (maybe hundreds) of times, but never did.

For example, I’m allergic to Neosporin, yet I found six tubes of it when we were packing up for our move. I had regularly looked at those tubes in different parts of our house over the years — the medicine chest, the emergency kit in the kitchen, the medical kit in my gym bag — yet I didn’t get rid of them whenever I saw them and thought, “I should get rid of those.” I’m also not very sure how we came to own the ointment. My best guess is that my husband brought a couple into the house, maybe one or two came with a packaged medical kit, and one could have been left here by someone else.

In the case of the Neosporin, and all clutter, I believe Newton’s First Law of Motion can explain how it lingers for years in our spaces. An object (clutter) will stay at rest until a force (motivation) of equal or greater value acts upon it. The thought, “I should get rid of that,” is not a force of equal or greater value than the clutter. As unfortunate as it is, thoughts cannot move clutter. We can’t wish away our unwanted objects. We actually have to do something about them physically.

The other case of Newton’s First Law also applies here. An object (me) will continue in motion until a force (motivation) of equal or greater value acts upon it. Usually when I would see the Neosporin, it would be because someone or myself was injured. I was on a path to take care of the injury, not stop and deal with clutter. Then later, when maybe I thought about the Neosporin again, I could have been on a path to a meeting or to make dinner or to relax and watch a movie with my family. The motivation to clear the clutter wasn’t equal or greater than whatever else it was I wanted to be doing.

The only way to deal with the clutter in our lives is to break the patterns of inertia and muster up the motivation to do something about all the stuff we don’t want or need.

Surprisingly, the best way to create force (motivation) of equal or greater value to change the course of our clutter is to simply acknowledge that we have the power (velocity) to change the situation. After we think, “I should get rid of that,” the next thought should immediately be, “and to get rid of it I have to take action, now.” Then, take the action to get rid of the object. (Unless, of course, you’re dealing with an emergency. Deal with the emergency and then come back when you’re on a path to watch television or something equally benign.) Knowing that the object will not move itself and requires a force to act upon it can go a long way in helping you to clear the clutter you encounter regularly in your life.

It can be helpful to have five boxes in your laundry room or at the base of your closet when you’re just getting started on this process. Have one box for items to be returned to other people, a second box for items you wish to sell or Freecycle, the third box for charitable donations, the fourth should be a trash can, and the fifth box a recycling bin. When you come across a piece of clutter, pick it up and carry it to the closet. Decide which of the boxes is most appropriate for the piece of clutter, and then go back to whatever you were doing. When one of the boxes is full, deal with the items in all of the boxes. Take out the trash and recycling, drop off items to charity and to friends, and list the items you wish to sell or Freecycle.

The easier your system to handle clutter, the less force (motivation) it takes to get the unwanted objects (clutter) out of your home.

Let God Take Care of It

Psalm 109:1-5  ¹ O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent, ² for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues. ³ With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause. ⁴ In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer. ⁵ They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.

Life got you down? Have you been falsely accused by wicked and deceitful people? Has your friendship been repaid with evil? Don't get even. Let God take care of it.

While other psalms have been about praise or the natural world, Psalm 109 is about payback. However, this is not payback in the usual sense. This is about divine payback. David, the author, has had people treat him very poorly, and in return he asks God to do some things to these people. Here are the things that he asks God to do.

• Appoint an evil man to stand against him so that he will be found guilty in a court of law
• Have his prayers condemn him
• Shorten his life so another takes his place of leadership
• Make his children fatherless
• Make his wife a widow
• Make his children become wandering beggars
• Have all his property seized by creditors and plundered by strangers
• Have all his descendants cut off and blotted out from the next generation
• Remember the iniquity of his fathers
• Never blot out the sin of his mother
• Always remember their sins so that their memory may be cut off from the earth

A little extreme? Probably, but the key point I want to make here is that these are all things he asked God to do. These are not things that he said he would do to them. We are not given the exact time in his life when he wrote this psalm, but it is safe to say that he was in a position to exact some sort of revenge upon his enemies at this time. However, he left it to God to take care of the situation.

David's attitude stands in direct contrast to the prevailing attitude of society where those who exact revenge upon evil people are glorified. This attitude is most notably reflected in popular movies, especially action movies where an individual or a team of individuals take the law into their own hands against evildoers. However, we should not think that we can avoid partaking in this attitude simply by avoiding watching movies and television. The desire for revenge comes from within the human heart, and the only way to silence it is to surrender our hearts to God.

Help me Lord to fully surrender my heart to you, so that when I am mistreated I will not look to myself, but to You, for help.

Educational . . . Advertising?

I have awakened from my blogging slumber (my last post was months ago) because I picked up something educational, while watching the Super Bowl of all things.  Well, I didn't learn anything from the game itself, but I did learn something from the advertisements, especially one in particular.

The ad I found interesting, that seemed to put an exclamation point on a general theme, was the one for the Dodge Charger entitled "Man's Last Stand" (look it up if you haven't seen it yet).  I did a simple web search for the ad and found out that a lot of other people have opinions about it, and many are not positive.  Most of the negativity came from women, but one man strongly implied that it was the most offensive ad overall.

Why all the negativity?  Was it because it talked about men who do what they are told, are tired of it, and because of what they go through, they should be able to drive a cool car, or was it because it spoke to something deeper.  I personally liked the ad, not simply because I like cool cars but also because it spoke in a non-cartoonish way to an undercurrent of discontent among men that I had been aware of for sometime.  A discontent largely fueled by, dare I say it, the emasculation of masculinity.  Christian author John Eldredge had this to say on this subject in his book "Wild at Heart".

"Society at large can't make up it's mind about men.  Having spent the last thirty years redefining masculinity into something more sensitive, safe, manageable and, well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men. . . .  'Where are all the real men?" is regular fare for talk shows and new books.  You asked them to be women, I want to say.  The result is a gender confusion never experienced at such a wide level in the history of the world.  How can a man know he is one when his highest aim is minding his manners?"

He continues by saying that this mindset is also seen in the church, a church that tells men that they don't keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children.  However, if they try really hard, they can be a nice guy, as if this was the ultimate goal.  Then, to support this assertion, he asks the reader to look around at most churches in America, and they will find out that the men there are bored. They don't want to be dutiful, nice guys who as the Charger ad states, "say yes, when you want me to say yes, and be quiet when you don't want me to say no".  They want to be something more, but aren't really sure how to achieve that goal.

At the risk of oversimplifying things, the problem lies in the concept that you have to be one extreme or the other.  You have to be either a sensitive guy who is more like a girlfriend, or some testosterone-fueled maniac.  The key is that a man (esp. a Christian one) can be somewhere in the middle.  Jesus was both sensitive enough that children would actually want to be with Him, but strong enough to stand up for those who are downtrodden, (and flip over a few tables in the process).  For those who say, "Yeah, but Jesus was also God." look no further than David, the man after God's own heart.  One who was sensitive enough to take care of sheep, (and write some really melancholy psalms), but also when it came to standing for his God and his country wasn't hesitant to hack off a man's (Goliath's) head with a giant sword in order to make sure that he was dead.

In a nation where men identify more with Homer Simpson than William Wallace, Chrysler cries out, "Be a man. Drive the car you really want to drive!" But God cries out, "Be a man. Follow after My own heart!"

The road to true manhood may be simple, but no one said the journey to get there would be easy.

The Final Countdown

The countdown to my wedding is now measured in days.  It amazing how much effort is put into a couple hours of my life.  I remember recently someone reminding me that the wedding is such a small point in time that I shouldn't let the details cause me too much stress.  A few others chimed in to give their version of that sentiment. My favorite version came when someone said that if something goes wrong then the wedding will be more memorable.  Immediately I recalled scenes from home video TV shows of people tripping, passing out, etc.  I hope that something like that doesn't happen in this wedding, but if it does, I hope somebody records it.

Is It All In Our Heads?

I have all but given up watching the news on TV as of late because the usual bad news is worse than usual, but during the commercial break of my sitcom rerun I switched over out of curiosity. They were talking about the usual stuff: how bad the economy is, how low the stock market is, etc. etc. After they ran their story about how some guy was ranting about how he didn't want his money used to help stupid people keep their homes that they couldn't afford, the news anchor was talking with their financial reporter in the studio. He remarked how it was all the foreclosures that started this whole economic tailspin. What was said next is what really caught my attention.

He mentioned how that he and the reporter often talk about the economy and that he was surprised to find out how many people actually pay their mortgage on time. The reporter then replied with this figure, 92%. (That's right, all this "Mortgage Crisis" is about the 8% of Americans who got in over their head and bought a home they couldn't afford.) The reporter continued and said that this just goes to show how much of today's economy is based on what might happen in the future. Companies, the people who run them, and the consumers that support them, are basically afraid that next month, next quarter, etc. might be worse than the one before and they act accordingly. We basically become a self-fulfilling prophecy; the cause of our own problem. Now I know that this is somewhat of an over-simplification, but you have to admit that if people were a bit less fearful, a bit less stressed out, things could be a lot different. Maybe not on a national scale, but definitely on a personal one.